Alaska CDC: The Blog

2nd time in 2 years living in the DMV: snow on the ground. Maybe...

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 08:22:49 -0500

2nd time in 2 years living in the DMV: snow on the ground. Maybe we really will have to invest in an ice scraper, @tiffanie_carson? (at Carson Compound)

Week 17 quickies from The Football Duke

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 11:46:45 -0500

As is the case whenever anyone decides to take a bit of a risk, I’ve experienced a little bit of doubt of late over starting TheFootballDuke.com. Go there now and you just get the incredibly lame Tommy Bahama shirt “coming soon” thing.

I wrote up a little something and sent it to my web guy, so I’m hoping there’s SOMETHING relevant up there soon.

Point is: It’s happening.

I’m going to write about fantasy football. For you. For alllll of 2013. We won’t be sitting around twiddling our thumbs until the summertime, either. Hell no. Fantasy football is a year round gig as far as I’m concerned.

So keeps your eyes peeled for the first signs of life at the website, and then feel free to start bombarding me with emails that I am PROMISING to reply to within 24 hours. For the whole year.

Alright, for this final slate of games that should NOT matter to your leagues, I’ve got some thoughts. And in fact, I’m in one league — and ah, yes, in the championship — that does the 2-week long matchups thing for the playoffs. Gotta wrap that last batch of prize money up.

For today, if you have any legitimate doubts about guys being rested, don’t ignore those doubts. Never mind that I just wrote about how I’m getting over my own doubts. Example: Rice, Ray. He’s a stud. You’ve ridden him all year and typically when someone asks me a lineup question with a stud involved I almost always say something like, “Ride that stud. He can take it. That’s what she said.”

Not in week 17. Not if that stud isn’t being put out to pasture. Or is. You get what I mean.

Really, other than making sure your LAST LINEUP OF 2012 doesn’t have someone that might spend his afternoon healthily resting on the bench, give the waiver wire one more scan.

Go ahead.

I’ll wait.

What’d you find?

Ryan Grant maybe?

Not saying, just saying.

Good luck today.

We’ll talk next year.

-The Football Duke (follow me on Twitter)

Merry Christmas and happy holidays folks. I hope you get...

Tue, 25 Dec 2012 08:16:40 -0500

Merry Christmas and happy holidays folks. I hope you get everything you greedily asked your friends and family to give you for Christmas. Feel free to openly pout if not. It’s what the holidays are all about! (at Carson Christmas Compound)

Watching the Dolphins with my old man. Happy holidays....

Sun, 23 Dec 2012 16:16:54 -0500

Watching the Dolphins with my old man. Happy holidays. Literally. (at Azalea Inn & Time Out Sports Bar)

5 things (championship week in fantasy land)

Tue, 18 Dec 2012 15:29:00 -0500

If you paid money to play in a fantasy football league, this is the week you find out if you get to make that money back. Well, that’s assuming you’re in the championship, which odds are you aren’t. That’s the rub with this game more and more of us know and love every year.

The season ends for MOST of us with bitterness and resentment.

Oh, and no money coming back from that entry fee that now angers you even to think about. In my main league, of which I’m the Commish, I get texts/emails every year about this time that can be summed up like this: “Anthony Fasano just cost me a spot in the championship? REALLY?!? I hate this. I quit. Never again.”

Guess what? He’ll be back next season, just like he was back this season after sending me a similar note last year.

In a 12 team league, 11 GMs end the year angry. For a few months after the season’s over, our league goes into relative radio silence. The 11 losers stew and pretend they’re thinking about quitting. Then… right around the end of April when the NFL Draft happens and we all start wondering how much Geno Smith is worth in this year’s auction, everyone forgets the plan was to quit. “Never again” just means “give me a few months to mourn, and then we’ll start anew.”

BUT if you’re one of the last two standing, your job isn’t done just yet. Yes, the trade deadline is long gone. True, your lineup is probably pretty much set. Still, here are three things you can do to help yourself during championship week:

1. WAIT ONE MORE WEEK TO BE LAZY. There’s something on the waiver wire that can help you. Maybe you have been squeaking by with Ryan Mathews, who clearly needs to have a protective pad custom designed for his clavicles in the off-season. Or perhaps you lost Willis McGahee a few weeks ago and didn’t luck into the Moreno miracle. Maybe the flex spot in your lineup has been a revolving door since Percy Harvin hung up his cleats for 2012. If there’s a spot in your lineup that isn’t rock solid, there are options headed into week 16.

Seriously.

Vick Ballard (49% owned in Yahoo!, 65.5% in ESPN) quietly topped 100 yards rushing for the Colts on Sunday. He gets the Chefs in championship week.

Anyone still fearing the New York Jets defense? That was rhetorical. With the Human Clavicle out this week, it falls to Curtis Brinkley (1% Yahoo!, 0.3% ESPN) and Ronnie Brown (who was out last week with an injury) to tote the rock against the mess that is the Jets. Jackie Battle is another option in San Diego’s backfield, but Brinkley (pictured) got the work on Sunday when the Human Clavicle went down. 6 carries for 42 yards and 3 catches for 14. Again, the Chargers have the Jets this week.

Finally, if you’re into lottery tickets, Brady Quinn threw Dexter McCluster’s (12% Yahoo!, 6% ESPN) way 10 times on Sunday. The RB/WR/Whatever caught 7 balls for 59 yards. If you’re desperate and it’s PPR…

Listen, we’re not talking slam dunks here. More like a runner from half-court, but hey, when those shots fall?

2. WHAT DOES YOUR FOE NEED? Because you should take it first. If you’ve got roster space you don’t need for a starter on your team, why not make sure Russell Wilson can’t help your opponent at QB this week? You can let loose this week. There is no “next” week to plan for. There’s no point in keeping Steven Jackson’s handcuff around anymore. Use that spot to snap up a guy you think the other guy might be looking at.

3. HEDGE YOUR BET. I got a phone call last night from my opponent in this week’s ‘ship. He proposed hedging our bets. Instead of an $830/$200 split, what about a $400/$400 split with the remaining $230 going to the winner?

I hated it.

Then I thought about it.

Now I love it.

We’re doing it.

Don’t like it? Too bad. We’re in the championship. Not you.

So, to those still vying for the money, congrats. Good luck.

To those sending the “I quit” emails to your Commish, see you next year. When you’ll be back. You always are.

-Follow me on Twitter (@TheFootballDuke)

…

5 things I know today I didn’t know on Friday:

1. The wife and I were in Miami for Dolphins/Jags. Everyone is aware that the Dolphins fans in South Florida are… not the greatest fan base. It doesn’t help that the seats in the stadium are bright orange and thus stand out when they’re empty.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised to see the ample tailgate scene (pictured) when we got to the game on Sunday. Maybe the bar was just super low in my mind so it SEEMED good, but whatever.

2. Joe’s Stone Crab has been on my bucket list ever since Matt Dillon’s sleazeball character mentioned it in There’s Something About Mary. We hit Joe’s on Saturday night annnnd… interesting. Stone crab claws are served (at least there) cold with a mustard sauce. The shells are pre-cracked for you and they are almost porcelain or ceramic like in their feel. The meat’s tasty, of course.

Still, give me Alaska king crab 10 times out of 10. Maybe 11 times out of 10.

3. I’ve now been to South Florida three times in my life. Each time, of course, for a Dolphins game. Every time it’s been November/December. Gotta say, that seems like the perfect time to get down there to me.

Keep in mind that’s coming from an Alaskan. So 70s in the daytime and 50s at night seems utopian to me. The lack of crowds is appealing to me as well. I doubt South Beach (pictured) would ever be so serene in the spring or summer.

4. Clicking around looking for movies to pitch to my family as possibles to see in theaters over the holidays, I stumbled across two 2013 movies that I had not heard of previously.

Now I’m all-in on both. In advance.

Oblivion’s got Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman, plus the future, spaceships and post-apocalyptic stuff going on. Enough said. Here’s the trailer.

I’m more excited for Pacific Rim. The trailer (click here) says to me it’s Transformers, but with Guillermo del Toro behind the camera and Jax (Charlie Hunnam) from Sons of Anarchy in front of it. I couldn’t be any more all-in. July 12th. Mark it down.

5. We were sitting in the 3rd row on Sunday for the game. By far the best seats I’ve ever been in (my wife made that happen). Towards the end of the game, a kid — maybe 12 years old — in the front row decided he wanted Reggie Bush to turn around and acknowledge him. “Reggie! REEEEGGIE!!! ReGGIE!!!” He screamed it as best he could. Reggie never turned around.

The kid gave up.

Then the game ended, and the kid was no longer looking at the field. Chatting with his buddy. Reggie was jogging over toward our section, though. He was taking his gloves off and getting ready to toss them to the screamer. Those of us near the kid got him to shift his gaze back down to the field, by which time Reggie was standing directly below our seats, ready to toss his gloves up.

That kid almost had a heart attack.

He survived, though, and he’s got a pair of game worn Reggie Bush gloves I expect he’ll cherish for a long time.

Well played, @reggie_bush. Well played.

Says Matt Moore to Ryan Tannehill: “good game, rookie. And...

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 15:48:23 -0500

Says Matt Moore to Ryan Tannehill: “good game, rookie. And you get to go home to Lauren? Well played.” (at Sun Life Stadium)

Big things today, Reggie. Big. Things. #nofilter...

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 13:02:39 -0500

Big things today, Reggie. Big. Things. #nofilter @tiffanie_carson (at Sun Life Stadium)

True story: @tiffanie_carson and I forgot these when we left for...

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 11:31:26 -0500

True story: @tiffanie_carson and I forgot these when we left for the stadium. Yup. Good thing we stopped for a snack, literally, across the street. (at Hotel Indigo)

Coming for you, #Miami. Also, crushing on you. Already....

Sat, 15 Dec 2012 15:01:09 -0500

Coming for you, #Miami. Also, crushing on you. Already. @tiffanie_carson (at Miami International Airport (MIA))

Hey there moderately cold morning in DC. We’re gonna leave...

Sat, 15 Dec 2012 11:00:50 -0500

Hey there moderately cold morning in DC. We’re gonna leave you now for Miami. No offense. Chad Henne needs to be heckled. @miamidolphins (at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport (DCA))

5 things (at least the cars didn't explode)

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 17:50:42 -0500

Not that I would ever encourage gambling, but I had my bet in the bag on Sunday.

Miami Dolphins (+10) at San Francisco 49ers. I had my beloved Dolphins plus 10 points. A NorCal based pal gave me the points and took his 9ers. Loser has to pick up the dinner tab next chance we get.

The game went just about as I had figured. Miami was going to lose a close one. But by less than 10. Perhaps a nice (free) steak dinner would help me get over the disappointment of yet another Miami loss… yeah, and I’ll get a beer, too. Maybe some sort of appetizer… I was planning it all out. San Francisco was already trying to run out the clock, essentially. 20-13.

Then 49er quarterback Colin Kaepernick ran 50 yards untouched into the end zone. Miami loses by 14.

Lose-lose.

Like I said, I would never encourage gambling. Well, except now I have to go double or nothing, right?

5 things I know today I didn’t know on Friday:

1) With the wife traveling these past couple of weeks, we fell behind a bit on Homeland. We were three episodes back before watching one last night and trimming that list to two. Never mind the fact that I know what the big event is that’s looming, I’m assuming in our next episode. That was spoiled for me courtesy of Bill Simmons’ B.S. Report.

Whether it’s Simmons, the blogosphere or other friends, EVERYONE is ripping on Homeland now. All of the adoration from season one seems to have been converted to complaining about a season two storyline that just asks us to believe too much. My favorite of that list takes place in the Pentagon’s war room, where they’re witnessing the live take-down of Abu Nazir, and Brody manages to warn Nazir FROM the war room. FROM HIS BLACKBERRY. I loved that.

Other recent issues with the story:

Brody is able to disappear for a WHOLE DAY on his own, cruising around Maryland unrecognized despite, you know, being a U.S. Senator and Vice Presidential candidate, with an old bomb maker that he eventually kills and buries in the forest. No big deal.

Abu Nazir, the show’s equivalent to Bin Laden, somehow gets into the US without the CIA knowing about it, even though they’re obsessed with him. He apparently eludes them by shaving.

Brody’s daughter is riding shotgun with the Vice President’s son when they hit someone. And then leave the scene without seeing if the person is okay. That someone then dies and Brody’s daughter becomes irrationally hell bent on turning herself in. For 20 minutes, it’s admirable. We’re a few eps later now and she’s still pouting about NOT being able to go to jail. Stop it.

Here’s one thing that DIDN’T happen in the episode we just watched that I do appreciate, though: the cars didn’t explode. The cops intercept a fleeing terrorist vehicle, collide with it, and the bad guy’s car flips. Annnnnnnd, no explosion. Refreshing.

(My personal theory is that Anne Hathaway is to blame for the reversal in public opinion about the show.)

2. The wife and I are in Miami this weekend. The weather is supposed to be perfect. Our seats at the Jaguars/Dolphins game on Sunday are exquisite, thanks to her and a few of my buddies who chipped in for my bday. Oh, and we’re playing against our old pal Chad Henne.

I feel good about this game.

Just like I felt good about the Dolphins covering in San Francisco. Oh, wait. Crap.

3. I once fell asleep in my college art history class, but at least I didn’t wake up in the middle of a nightmare.

4. If you’re a celebrity and you haven’t done a perfume commercial yet, maybe you should ask the home office to send you the memo again. Make sure the TPS Report is included. Because, um, Juila’s doing them, Brad and Charlize too.

5. Once upon a time, I was effing giddy about becoming a Laker fan via my allegiance to Steve Nash. He has played about a game and a half for them. They are a sub .500 squad and Nash is out at least two more weeks, apparently. Not that giddy these days.

Glass is half-full spin: I resisted the urge to immediately buy tix for the Wizards/Lakers game when Nash became a Laker. That game is this Friday. I shall not be attending, thank you very much.

—Follow me on Twitter (@TheFootballDuke)

Fantasy Football Friday: Play to the Whistle

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 16:49:41 -0500

I get it.

As an expert in the fields of procrastination and taking the easy option, I get it.

It’s week 14 in the NFL and, more importantly, fantasy football. For some, it’s the first week of playoffs, maybe even a well earned bye week. For others, it’s the first week of coming to terms with the fact that your team’s not winning the ‘ship this year.

For those in the second season, it’s dangerously easy to hit the auto-pilot button. You’ve got your team. They’ve done well. Surely the waiver wire has been picked over to the point where your time is better spent baiting Chris Brown (pictured) on Twitter.

If you’re not in the money and don’t have any reason to keep paying attention (keepers, avoiding last place punishment, pride), it’s tempting to passively aggressively throw a virtual tantrum. Maybe you not only avoid improving your team, but you flood the waiver wire with your good players because, somehow, that’ll show ‘em! What it shows ‘em, of course, is that you’re a douche.

The easy thing to do at this point is cruise. It gets old scouring the depressing free agent pool every week. Just ride it out with the guys you’ve got. Easy.

Also, wrong.

There are still moves to make. There are players to be had that can help you win your friend’s money. Or, if you’re out of the ‘ship race, there are things to be done to play backseat spoiler. Even if you can’t win, maybe you can make them bleed their own blood. Or something.

The fact this he’s not 100% owned in Yahoo! (82%) and ESPN (83.5%) makes me want to put a piece of broken glass in my eye: Bryce Brown. He fumbles it too much, yes. He also has neared 30 two weeks straight in ESPN standard scoring** and there’s little reason to think that’ll change anytime soon.

**I’m a PPR guy. That’ll be the focus of an upcoming site in the works. #TheFootballDuke will have a regular self-made outlet soon.

MJD is still out. Jalen Parmele is on IR. Rashad Jennings is concussed. Sooo… roster Montell Owens (19% owned in Yahoo!, 6.6% in ESPN). He’s the next man up in Jacksonville and you never know. See Brown, Bryce.

Or how about Knowshon Freaking Moreno (68% owned in Yahoo!, 60% in ESPN)? It’s understandable that he’s been off your radar. He was off his own team’s radar until the surprise start in week 12 when everyone rushed to logically grab Ronnie Hillman (now getting spot duty behind Knowshon). Look, is Moreno showing the skills that enticed Denver to spend a first round pick on him? Not really. Who cares? For YOUR fantasy team he’s gotten 20, 20, and 32 carries in his three starts. He’s also catching passes for good yardage. He is a feature back. And there’s a decent chance he’s available in your league.

I honestly feel like I’m taking crazy pills. These players should be owned. In all leagues.

Play to the whistle, fellow GMs. To it, not past it, mind you.

You won’t find a bigger fan of the easy way than me. I’m hardwired to seek the easy way out, actually. On the metro commute home, my stop is the end of the line. My body assumes, naturally, I’d like to nap during said commute. Even if I’m standing. Falling asleep while standing in a crowded metro train. Smart? Negative. Easy? You bet.

When it comes to your fantasy roster, though, don’t fall asleep on the metro.

There are still lotto tickets to buy. Some didn’t even have a NFL job last week (Ryan Grant, pictured). This week, he does. Grant averaged 4.2 yards a carry on 134 totes last year. Alex Green, in front of Grant FOR NOW, has 109 carries this year and gets an even 3/per. Can you really say with a straight face you are sure Green won’t lose his job in the next week or two to Mr. Grant?

Grant is owned in 0.7% of ESPN leagues. 3% in Yahoo!.

You’re going to miss this fake game of ours when it’s gone in a few weeks. So why not play it out?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head over to Twitter and tell Chris Brown he’s a “hoe.”

-The Football Duke (follow me on Twitter)

5 things (Bryce Brown vs. Brandon Myers?)

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 18:03:00 -0500

Moral victories don’t exist.

It’s the go-to term, at least in the world of sports fandom, for someone who is trying to convince himself that he’s not terribly disappointed in his team. Or, it’s a phrase an announcer might use about a team that they feel is good enough to get a back-handed compliment dripping with belittlement, apparently so inferior that they’ll be happy to hear they’ve “achieved” a promising loss.

Moral victories are for losers.

That said, the Miami Dolphins played the New England Patriots fairly toughly yesterday. Only lost by a touchdown. Moral victory for the Fins!

5 things I know today I didn’t know on Friday:

1) The Football Duke openly campaigned for fantasy football owners to roster two running backs back on November 25th. Bryce Brown and Jalen Parmele.

The latter carried it a few times in his big debut as a feature back and promptly got hurt. Out for the season.

The former, Brown, was a stud his first game out (The Football Duke championed his cause a second time hours before his debut). He was a stud his second game out, too. First game: 19 carries, 178 yards, 2 TDs. Second game: 24 carries, 169 yards, 2 TDs. He also caught 4 balls in both games.

(The 3 lost fumbles are troubling, I grant you. The man, however, can run the football. And catch it. He should be owned in every single fantasy football league known to man.)

Here’s the insane part. He’s still only owned in 68% of ESPN leagues. How is that possible?

Look, if you’re in involved in the post season in your league, keepers, whatever, just roster the man. In my main league, the last playoff spot came down to Brown trying to outdo Brandon Myers on the other squad. Who saw that one coming?

2. Mustache transplants are real. And popular.

3. The Jovan Belcher story is tragic. Just, effing, tragic. One of the few sports related items I’ve seen since it happened that seemed noteworthy was what Brady Quinn had to say:

“The one thing people can hopefully try to take away, I guess, is the relationships they have with people,” Quinn said. “I know when it happened, I was sitting and, in my head, thinking what I could have done differently. When you ask someone how they are doing, do you really mean it? When you answer someone back how you are doing, are you really telling the truth?

“We live in a society of social networks, with Twitter pages and Facebook, and that’s fine, but we have contact with our work associates, our family, our friends, and it seems like half the time we are more preoccupied with our phone and other things going on instead of the actual relationships that we have right in front of us.

“Hopefully people can learn from this and try to actually help if someone is battling something deeper on the inside than what they are revealing on a day-to-day basis.”

Something to think about.

4. Team Jacob members should watch their backs in this Serbian town WHERE THERE IS A VAMPIRE ON THE LOOSE.

5. Having trouble coming up with gift ideas for your loved ones? Dave Barry is here to (not) help.

Snow dog. Except she’s inside. On the couch. (at Carson...

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 11:16:05 -0500

Snow dog. Except she’s inside. On the couch. (at Carson Compound)

5 things (he's looking and he's not ashamed)

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 17:56:00 -0500

I still wish I would have put the tin foil down on the bottom of the oven. I still wish I had snagged Jalen Paremele and/or Bryce Brown off of waivers in my main fantasy league. Sorry I didn’t foresee Parmele hurting himself (he still outperformed Rashad Jennings). Brown goes tonight and is still available in your league, mostly likely. Maybe he’s locked in place wherever he is, but it’s worth looking. All leagues are different.

5 things I know today I didn’t know on Friday:

1. Life of Pi, the movie, is every bit as effective as Life of Pi, the book. Watch the trailer for Ang Lee’s flick and try not to immediately buy tickets for the next show. The movie, which as far as my shoddy memory is concerned stuck almost entirely to Yann Martel’s novel, is simply amazing.

A boy and “his” tiger. Visually, it’s spectacular. The acting is superb. The special effects? Hey, um, Twilight producers, THAT’S HOW CGI ANIMALS SHOULD LOOK! Not that they care. Their movie is doing okay.

In fact, Lee’s hand behind the camera is so good that I actually forgot until the end the cruel question the story leaves you with. The book made me cry and think a great deal. The movie did the same.

2. The phrases “Available in November” and “Coming soon” mean very different things to an impatient me and the folks at Apple.

I’ve never been so desperate to throw my money at someone and have that someone quite literally refuse to accept.

3. Ready to follow in my wife’s footsteps and wish you had a baby red panda?

4. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 is up over $500 million at the global box office. If you’ve been holding out or can’t decide if it’s worth your green backs, I can help.

5. He is definitely looking, and he doesn’t appear to be at all ashamed.

The Football Duke: It's the little things

Sun, 25 Nov 2012 12:17:00 -0500

For the first time ever, the wife and I had a legitimate gathering at our place on Thanksgiving. Eight people, two dogs and a cat (although the cat just hid in the bedroom all night) in a 600 square foot apartment. What’s the count, boys?

To my pleasant surprise, it worked out wonderfully. That’s largely, really almost entirely thanks to the wife. My main contribution was the turkey, which I took great care in buying several days ahead of time (for once). The bird went into the brining bucket a little over 24 hours before it was due to go in the oven. After its extended bath, it got washed and dried and coated in butter and brown sugar. Into the oven and cooked to perfection, my main (only) contribution to our maiden hosting voyage was a success.

Well, mostly.

In my just over a year of marriage, and several years of boyfriend/girlfriend before that, I’ve learned it’s best to listen to the wife. And I do. I definitely try to. Do I remember everything? Hell no. But I think even she would admit I’m slowly being whipped (that’s the right word and there’s no shame in it, fellas) into shape.

Things I remembered the wife said to do for Thanksgiving: Get all my ingredients for the turkey brine, the turkey itself, turkey roasting tray, fresh cranberries. Put on jeans before guests arrive, although I probably rolled my eyes over being forced out of my sweats. Showered. Opened the bottles of wine. Kept guests’ alcoholic beverages full. Cleaned dishes as I used them for cooking.

Thing, singular, I forgot to do: Line the bottom of the oven with foil before putting the turkey in.

Results of this lone thing I forgot to do: We learned our smoke detectors work. As the drippings started to burn up and fill the apartment with a little bit of a haze, our guests sprung into action to get the smoke detectors to shut up. Our older dog bolted to her safe spot, the tub. The turkey was done anyway and the little smoke detector activity provided a fun little icebreaker. Could be worse.

Like the cleanup of the oven a couple days later. The wife handled it. She wasn’t happy about it, though. “I’m never doing this again,” she told me from the kitchen.

Happy wife = happy life. Fact.

Fact: One piece of tin foil on the bottom of our oven was all that stood between a perfect Thanksgiving and an almost perfect one. It’s the little things!

That goes for fantasy football, too, of course.

By week 12, we’re all dealing with injuries on our fake rosters. If you’re still remembering to use the waiver wire like you should be, however, there are solutions popping up every week. Unless you blew your entire blind bidding budget on Felix Jones a few weeks ago. I wish I knew how to quit Felix.

Here are two little things the majority of you, as of this minute, are forgetting with kickoff looming: Jalen Parmele (confession: until 9 minutes ago I always thought it was “Parmalee”) and Bryce Brown (pictured).

There’s no real reason you should have heard of either before now. I actually knew about Parmele, correct spelling aside, because I was rooting for him in 2008 when my Miami Dolphins took him in the 6th round. As running backs often do, Jalen looked good in the pre-season (pictured below). The Baltimore Ravens must have thought so, too, because they signed him off of the Dolphin’s practice squad. This year, the Jacksonville Jaguars signed him as a free agent.

Prior to last weekend, Jalen’s career rushing total was nobody cares. He was just a guy. For fantasy purposes, it didn’t matter if you spelled his name wrong because he wasn’t even a blip on the radar of the blip itself. Irrelevant (here’s the result of a “Jalen Parmele highlights” search on youtube).

Last week, however, with Maurice Jones Drew still out and Rashad Jennings apparently now terrible, the Jaguars gave Parmele the start and 24 carries (he got 80 yards off of those carries). Also, Chad Henne got in and blew up. So, it was a strange day in Jaguar land. Well, Parmele is starting again today. And he’s up against a soft Titans defense. A sure-fire feature running back against a soft defense is owned in 28.7% of ESPN leagues, 43% of Yahoo! leagues.

Bryce Brown’s story is similar in two ways: One, he’s starting now because the guy in front of him (LeSean McCoy) is hurt. Two, before now, he’s been irrelevant to us fantasy folk. Brown’s “highlight” in his short NFL career is this TWO yard run. He was once-upon-a-time a major high school recruit. College didn’t ever really pan out, though. Still, the Eagles spent a 7th round pick on him this year and now he’s starting. A STARTING running back (Monday Night against the Panthers, hardly a juggernaut) is owned in 4.1% of ESPN leagues and 28% of Yahoo! leagues.

Look, is either player going to carry you to victory this week? Probably not. I’d guess they can both significantly help most of us out there, however. Having lost Willis McGahee and still without Darren McFadden in my main league, I sure wish I had either one of them.

Let’s be honest, too. They’re running backs. It’s not like we have never seen a seemingly unheard of dude explode onto the scene almost at random. The position lends itself to sudden stardom. Maybe neither Parmele or Brown is the next Arian Foster.

But you don’t know for sure that they aren’t, either. We do know they’re both starting at running back and likely to get feature back touches this weekend.

They’re the tin foil in the bottom of the oven, making sure your fantasy season doesn’t wind up with unnecessary gunk that sets off your smoke detector. They’re the little things that potentially matter big time in week 12.

Best,

-The Football Duke

Follow me on Twitter (@AlaskaCDC)

MY COLUMN: Give thanks, The Twilight Saga is over

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 15:44:19 -0500

Turkey is out of the brine bucket and into the oven. Lions and Texans on the TV while the dancer crew (wife and her friends) are getting in a workout. Life is good.

More importantly, my last chance to write about The Twilight Saga is available to read in today’s Juneau Empire or by clicking over to the Empire’s website.

Or, by scrolling down.

Hey, if nothing else, be thankful you’re better at whatever it is that you do than Taylor Lautner is at acting. It’s a start.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last ‘Twilight’ film lines up with the rest

By Chester Duke Carson

THE BIG SCREEN

Four books that took approximately a week to read (total, not apiece) somehow turned into five movies spread over five years. Kind of ironic. “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2” (now playing at Glacier Cinemas) puts an appropriately cheesy bow on the unintentionally comedic franchise. Looking back over these five years of cinematic anti-achievement is revealing, although more so about us in the audience than anything on screen.

Now, because, as mentioned above, the four books were read in about a week’s time several years ago, I had to refresh my memory a bit before taking in movie number five. This was accomplished by re-reading what I wrote in this very newspaper about each movie and also by re-watching most of the first four films. I was relieved to discover I still agreed with, uh, myself. I was amused to realize the reviews, about a year apart from one another, could all be summed up together in a few sentences:

“If you didn’t read the books, you’ll walk out on this movie. Taylor Lautner has officially replaced Hayden Christensen atop the ‘I get paid well to act despite being unable to act’ list. This movie is terrible. I love it.”

Good news! “Breaking Dawn – Part 2” doesn’t need a new umbrella. What applied in 2008 (and 2009, and 2010 and 2011) applies in 2012.

What Part 2 has going for it that none of the other films did is that Part 1 ended on a brilliant teaser note. Well, as much of a teaser note as is possible when everyone that is going to see the next movie already knows what’s coming. Part 2 picks up immediately where Part 1 left us: Bella (Kristen Stewart, pictured) opening her brand new, blood red vampire eyes.

The first chunk of Part 2 is dedicated to K-Stew getting used to being a vamp. You know, running super fast, jumping super high, being thirsty for blood. Oh, and dealing with the news that her werewolf pal Jacob (Lautner) has “imprinted” on her newborn child, Renesmee. “It’s a wolf thing,” says Jacob. And by that he means he has fallen in love with the baby. K-Stew flies off the handle at first, understandably. She also accepts rather quickly after that that her buddy, again, is in love. With. Her. Baby.

Sorry, let’s get back onto the main road here. Didn’t mean to veer off onto Pedophile Boulevard there.

Word of Renesmee’s illegal existence quickly reaches the Volturi (powerful Italy-based rulers of the vampires), and they naturally decide it’s time to go find Bella and company in Washington state and have an epic battle in a snow-covered meadow. Blah, blah, blah. One last time for the record, if you care you already know. Still, when is a showdown between the outnumbered good guys and the overconfident bad guys in a snowy meadow a bad thing?

To keep in line with the incredibly annoying trend of unnecessarily long titles, complete with at least one colon: “The Ironies of the Twilight Movies Saga: Part 1 – Of 1.”

Juneauites legitimately know what it is to live where it rains a lot. Non-Juneauites that have seen any of the “Twilight” movies (or AMC’s “The Killing,” arguably the biggest pusher of the rainy Pacific northwest stereotype in the history of film or TV) likely assume it rains more in Washington. Like, a lot more.

“Breaking Dawn – Part 2” actually features moments of intentional comedy. My favorite: Jacob decides to reveal to Bella’s dad (Billy Burke) that he is a werewolf. So he begins stripping down in front of him, apparently preferring to be naked before he turns into a wolf. As he’s taking off his pants he says something like, “Trust me, I see weirder stuff than this every day.” Wait, now I’m not so sure this was intentional.

The box office take for “Twilight” has to be over a billion dollars by now. Yet, even for this final film, the special effects border on parody. The CGI wolves, in particular, still look like, well, dated computer graphics. I guess making a billion dollars doesn’t exactly motivate spending more on overhead.

It pains me to say it, but Lautner has modestly improved at his job. For the first four movies, he was up there insisting 2+2=351. In Part 2 he’s claiming 2+2=11. He’s still way off, of course. He’s just not quite as way off. So, kudos?

Against all odds, there is a pretty damned good twist in “Breaking Dawn – Part 2.” I swear that’s true. No exaggeration, there were shocked gasps and confused shrieks in the audience. I provided one of each, I believe.

Two last things as we do the world a favor and put this “saga” to bed: First, author Stephenie Meyer’s other book, her non-Twilight book called “The Host,” is much deeper. The movie comes out in March and it’ll undoubtedly earn way less money than any of the “Twilight” films.

Second, Team Edward (Robert Pattinson) is still the correct team. To anyone still pledging for Team Jacob, convince me that falling in love with an infant isn’t as creeper as it gets, and we can talk.

Here’s a hint: we won’t be talking. Ever. Nor will we ever be seeing another “Twilight” movie. Unless I just jinxed it. Apologies to everyone over the age of 15 in advance if that proves to be the case.

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